


Villains' Guidelines

by Blissaster



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Dick Grayson is Robin, Gen, Humor, POV Outsider, Stupidity, This Is STUPID, and so is his Robin, batman is scary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 09:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3062312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blissaster/pseuds/Blissaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight rules that every bad guy in Gotham must obey. T for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Villains' Guidelines

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Villains' Guidelines 坏蛋守则](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171688) by [PinkZebra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkZebra/pseuds/PinkZebra)



> Thanks to: my wonderful beta, anakinlove of fanfiction.net. Whose stories I enjoy very much. Without her helping hand, I wouldn't even be interested in writing a Batman fanfiction. Million thanks!
> 
> You can find the Chinese version of this story [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3171688). A million thanks for [PinkZebra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkZebra/pseuds/PinkZebra) for the translation!

Somewhere in an abandoned warehouse in a shadier part of Gotham…

"What's this?" Goon #1 couldn't help but ask when Boss shoved a paper into his face. At Boss' glare, he quickly added, "Sir."

Boss nodded approvingly. "That is, you brainless idiots, a list of rules that you absolutely, completely, have to obey." He emphasized with a pointed glare towards each of them. Goon #1 rolled his eyes at Boss' dramatic antic, which earned him a venomous shut-up-or-else glare. Goon #1 gulped and wisely shut up. "As I said before I was so rudely interrupted," another pointed glare towards Goon #1, who only smiled sheepishly and smartly kept his remarks (be it verbal or non verbal) to himself. "This is the list of rules that you must obey, no matter what."

There were groans and whines from all around.

"But Boss…"

"I thought villains have no rules?"

"Rules? What rules?"

"You _will_  obey these rules," Boss said forcefully.

"But—"

"—unless you want to get brutally maimed by an enraged overgrown Bat," Boss finished. And everyone fell silent at that. They knew they  _would_  get caught sooner or later –most likely sooner, but there was no harm in being hopeful, right?— it was like their job, but no one wanted to get maimed.

Boss looked around to see understanding dawning on every of his subordinate and nodded, satisfied. "Now, let's start our job."

* * *

**Rule #1: Do NOT kidnap Robin. Ever!**

_Those rumor_ _s_ _about the Bat's protectiveness over his boy? Those_ _all are_ _true!_

Goon #1 didn't know exactly how it had happened, but it had and now they had Robin as their hostage. All they had to do was to wait for the Batman to come (because no doubt he  _would_ come) and fell to their well-planned trap.

Goon #1 was just daydreaming of how proud his mother would be if he had succeeded in trapping Batman when the double doors exploded inside. The Batmobile came barging in, looking more like a battle tank fully armed, than a vehicle.

"There are  _thousand_  kids in Gotham, not counting those from neighboring cities and you just  _had_  to kidnap my boy?" Batman's voice thundered. Goon #1 cowered fearfully. He had heard about Batman's temper, but to hear about it and witness it –and be the one that temper was directed at— were two different matters altogether.

"You  _will_  give my boy back," Batman said in the most commanding voice Goon #1 had ever heard. "And he better be  _completely_  unharmed, or else…" he let his threat hanging. Goon #1 could not help but think that Batman would make a very good villain, what with his threats and glares and glowers and weapons.

* * *

**Rule #** **2** **: If you insist on kidnapping Robin, and God forbid, actually** **succeed, you should NOT,** **under any circumstance, give the boy sugar! Ever!**

**Everyone** _knows little boys and sugar don't mix!_

"There's this guy—"

"Anyone! Will you just  _shut him up_!" Boss yelled in understandable frustration. Since his capture, which was six hours ago, the boy had chattered about nothing in particular, non-stop. And it drove everyone crazy. Goon #2 started to wonder if kidnapping Robin was a good idea. "Gag him, sedate him, knock him unconscious—wait, scratch the last one…"

"And then—" Robin's childish voice continued, oblivious –or  _pretending_  to be oblivious?— to the Boss' frustration.

"Just  _shut. HIM._ _ **UP**_ **!** "

Since bodily harm was not an option (Batman was going to kill them as it was, they didn't need to give him incentive by harming his boy. Batman wouldn't listen to them even if they reasoned that it was necessary), Goon #2 chose to try another method. Bribery.

"Pst," he called to the boy, who turned his face to look at him, head tilted to a side in questioning manner, "I'll give you candies if you just keep silent for a few hours."

"Oh, a peace offering," Robin said excitedly. "I like how you think."

"So, do we have a deal?" Goon #2 asked anxiously. If he succeeded, sure it was good, but if he wasn't… Well, maybe being a villain was not the best job for him.

"Sure," Robin said, nodding.

Goon #2 smiled, relaxed. He didn't know what hell he was unleashing.

Half an hour later…

"So, you see, I have this friend—" Robin's high-pitched voice echoed in the abandoned warehouse they had chosen as their base.

"Who was stupid enough to give the boy sugar!?" Boss cried out angrily. If he were a dragon, he would be breathing fire by now. As it was, he could only yell at his incompetent goons. "He was hyper enough, for anything that's evil!"

* * *

**Rule #** **3** **: Do not swear in front of Robin.**

_If you somehow do, just pray to_ _whatever higher power up there that the kid doesn't repeat after you. If he_ _does… Well, good bye. It's nice to know you._

Goon #3 knew the rules. And by now, he knew it was best for everyone included if he just followed them like Boss suggested.

Still…

Right now, he was fighting Robin. That fight consisted of him trying –and failing— to land a hit on said Robin. He didn't know if he should be angry or grateful (God knows what Batman would do to him if he hurt his boy).

Right now though, he was more inclined to the former. And the boy's smartass comment didn't help, at all.

"Just stop moving for a sec, you little bas-birdie." Goon #3 made a lunge towards the so-called Boy Wonder, only to have said boy stepped to a side, dodging him annoyingly easily before the boy landed a kick on his ass. It didn't hurt him physically as much as it hurt his ego. He, a grown man, was unable to catch Robin, who was just a kid, really. "Damn you, son of a bitch!"

The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could process them.

Silence. Pure, unadulterated silence.

Everyone froze, as their eyes focused on Goon #3 and Robin. The other goons waited with baited breath, hoping the boy didn't repeat…

"Son of a bitch." The voice saying it was high-pitched and childlike.

Robin.

The goons froze.

Robin giggled. The words felt funny in his tongue, strange. So he said it again. "Son of a bitch."

And again.

And again.

And again.

By the end of the night, the cuss words would surely roll out of his tongue smoothly.

Batman glared. Goon #3 cowered, whimpering fearfully. Batman said nothing, but he might as well shout at the top of his lungs, so intense was his glare.

"How dare you," Batman hissed. His voice was a low whisper. It sounded like words from Death to Goon #3. And looking at Batman's face, it might as well be. "You damn good-for-nothing pea-for-brain bastard."

Goon #3 wanted to point out that Batman's cussing was even longer, not to mention  _badder_ , but Batman's glare made him swallow his words. Batman looked murderous enough as it was.

_I'm_ _so doomed!_

* * *

**Rule #** **4** **: No touching Robin. No hugs, no pinches to the cheek, and certainly no** **kisses!**

_That is unless you want to lose one of your body parts, or two, or_ _three, or get mutilated beyond recognition…_

Goon #4 was the only woman in the goon group. And villain she might be, but she also was a woman. And like any other woman, she liked anything cute. And she considered Robin cute. Very much so.

"Surrender! I don't want to hurt a woman!" Robin said, trying to look as stern and intimidating as he could. But when the boy tried to act like his mentor, all-business and no-nonsense, it only made him cuter in Goon #4's mind.

She squealed. "So cute!"

"I'm not cute!" Robin denied vehemently, crossing his arms across his chest, trying to look angry. An effort that was ruined by his unconscious pout.

 _Robin's too cute for his own good,_  she thought, squealing inwardly. "May I pinch your cheek?" she asked.

Robin frowned. "I'm not a kid," he said, his voice gaining a whiny quality to it as his pout became more prominent.

"No, of course not. I'm sorry," Goon #4 said sincerely. "A hug then?"

Robin seemed to consider this for a moment. He thought about Bruce. About how his guardian seemed to hug people –especially women— often enough. So it wasn't a childish thing to do right?

"Please?" Goon #4 added for good measure, putting on her own female charm.

Reluctantly, Robin nodded. "You asked politely," he said, as if that justified her request.

Goon #4 barely suppressed her urge to squeal again. Instead, she reached out towards him and when her hand was only inches away from the boy, something pointy and sharp whizzed past her, almost cutting her fingers cleanly. She yelped, surprised, pulling her hand close to her chest. She turned around to yell at anyone who dared to interrupt her (didn't they know it was a once in a lifetime chance?) only to see one very ticked off Batman.

"Hands off," Batman commanded in his usual gruff voice.

Goon #4 put her hands up in surrender, knowing better than to disobey when Batman looked ready to commit murder.

She didn't know what possessed her, maybe it was a craziness inside her she didn't know, or maybe it was just her woman instinct getting desperate, but without even thinking about it, she blurted out, "No kisses either?"

The Batman's murderous glare –one that promised the slowest, most painful death there ever was— was her only answer.

"Okay… So no kisses either."

* * *

**Rule #** **5** **: No upsetting Robin.**

_Yes, that means no taunts, no smartass comebacks,_ _no biting retorts, or anything extreme that can upset the kid. Remember, an upset Robin equals a murderous (well, more than usual anyway) Batman._

Goon #5 thought that "Shorty" was a child-friendly enough of an insult for the little Robin. But apparently he was wrong. Because the moment he uttered that word, Robin let out a wail. It was ear-shatteringly loud and so heart-wrenching, it sounded as if the world had come to an end.

"Batman!" Robin's voice was high-pitched, as he wailed, "he called me shorty!"

And just like that, Goon #5 had a very livid Batman on his heel, hell bent on making him pay.

"How dare you! He's sensitive about his height, dammit! Do you know I spent  _hours_  to calm him the last time he broke down?  _Do you?_ " Batman yelled, throwing his pointy and very sharp batarang from his seemingly endless supply of weapons. "Do you think you can go and upset him all you like? Think again, you punk!"

"Yikes!" Goon #5 paled, the last batarang missed his face by mere an inch. "I'm sorry! I didn't know! I swear!"

* * *

**Rule #6: Beware of Robin's puppy eyes attack!**

_Looking innocent is NOT the same_ _with being innocent. The boy might look harmless, but he is not, I repeat, he_ _is NOT! Don't be fooled by that puppy eyes attack he_ _i_ _s so capable of_ _yielding!_

Goon #6 could not believe his luck. He was able to kidnap Robin by himself! Once Boss heard about this, he would get promoted for sure! He laughed gleefully as he ran towards their base, a still conscious Robin slung over his shoulder.

"Hey," Robin called. "Can you put me down?" he asked politely, "please?" he added for good measure.

"So you can escape?" Goon #6 asked sarcastically, snorting, "I don't think so, boy."

"But, but..." Robin's voice quivered. "To be carried like this is so embarrassing," he whined, sounding truly embarrassed. Goon #6 could even imagine the red that crept up to his face.

_Huh? So that's all it's about?_

"I promise I won't try to run," Robin said in his most sincere voice.

Goon #6 thought about it,  _the boy sound_ _s_ _sincere enough..._

"If I walk by myself, then you won't get tired, right?" Robin reasoned.

 _That makes sense,_  Goon #6 thought, nodding in agreement.

"Please?" Robin pleaded.

Goon #6 might be the toughest goon to crack, but it didn't mean he was uncrackable. And Robin was... simply adorable. Goon #6 could not believe he had just described kid of Batman –the scariest hero (Is _he a hero?_  Goon #6 couldn't help but wonder. At times the Dark Knight was more like a villain than a hero...)— adorable, but there was just no words suit the boy better. Those wide blue eyes, so innocent and childlike...

How could he resist?

"Oh, alright," Goon #6 said, lowering the boy carefully to the ground. There was enough rumor about Batman's protectiveness over this boy to be discarded.

Robin beamed.

Goon #6 smiled back at him.

The next second found Goon #6 crumpled to the ground, twitching in agony, legs pulled close to protect what was nestled in between.

"Thank you!" Robin yelled obnoxiously as he took off running, waving annoyingly cheerfully. "Until next time!"

_Damn brat with stupid misleading puppy eyes_ _!_

* * *

**Rule #7: When the Batman and Robin are arguing, do NOT interfere. Ever.**

_No matter how different Robin is from Batman, he's still his kid. The kid gets temper. And a mean glare._

It all started when Robin asked Batman if he could go with his friends alone. Unsurprisingly, Batman's answer was a stern "No."

"But Batman…" Robin whined. "You know I can take care of myself just fine!"

The frown marring Batman's face was a clear sign of his doubt though all he said was, "I don't want to take chances."

"I'll be very, very,  _very_  careful. Promise!"

Batman didn't waver.

The two vigilantes were staring at each other –Robin with his puppy eyes that practically begged "Please, please,  _pleaseeee_?" versus Batman's parental glare that simply yelled, "When hell freezes over, kid. And even then, I'll think about it first, like hundred times over."— when Goon #7 chose to pipe up, "Actually I agree with Batman."

Every goon stared at him incredulously. Batman smirked at Robin, a smug "See? Even an idiot like him can see my point" smirk. Robin glared.

Goon #7 hid behind Goon #1. "It-it's true though, Batman has a valid point," he argued, head peeking from behind of his comrade's figure.

Robin's glare intensified. From "I hate you" glare to "I wish you will die a slow and painful death" glare.

Goon #7 squeaked, ducking to hide better behind his fellow goon.

"It's true!" Goon #7 insisted.

Goon #1 stared at Goon #7, wondering if he should call him brave or simply stupid and wisely stepped aside, leaving Goon #7 fully open for Robin to attack.

And attack he did.

"Die!" Robin hissed hatefully, chucking a batarang in Goon #7's direction.

Goon #7 yelped as the batarang graced his cheek. And the chase was on.

Batman watched with a proud smirk plastered on his face as an enraged Robin chased after the goon. Robin sure was his kid, his glare was proof enough, really.

* * *

**Rule #8: When you become a boss, make sure you make your monologue short.**

_Batman might be patient enough (when he is in good mood, or at least not worse_ _of a mood than usual), but Robin is not._

"Then the world will be mine!" Boss was ready to laugh his evil laugh –one that he had practiced for a whole month, along with his even longer version of world domination speech— when a batarang whizzed past him, stunning him into silence. He looked towards the source, expecting it to be a more-pissed-off-than-usual Batman. To his surprise, it was Robin who glowered angrily at him.

"It's past mid night, I'm tired and I want to sleep, dammit! You better finish your crap speech fast or else..." his glare seemed to say. The twitching of his hands was a clear of indication of what the "or else..." entailed.

Boss choked on his laugh.

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> The word "badder" is used intentionally. They're villains, why should they care about grammar? Lol.
> 
> Cross posted on fanfiction.net under the same pen name. I also posted it on my friends' website where you can also find a little bit of extra of Behind the Scene on [yotsunoha.moe](http://yotsunoha.moe/http://yotsunoha.moe/villains-guidelines/)
> 
> Does anyone here happen to be an artist or know someone who love to do fanarts? I need cover pictures for Snapshots and my other stories. It will be a great help, if you can point me in the right direction, so to speak. Of course, I'll put the artist's name and maybe offer a fic in return. So, anyone can help?


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